About the Author: Roberta Chinsky Matuson is the president of Matuson Consulting, a business management consultancy, and the author of Suddenly in Charge: Managing Up, Managing Down, Succeeding All Around.
Businesses lose time and money when employees avoid difficult conversations.
When you mishandle difficult workplace conversations, you can damage your business relationships and career prospects. Eschewing tough conversations won’t solve your problems: In fact, avoidance can increase team frustration levels and cost your organization dearly. According to Bravely, a workplace resource start-up, 70% of workers avoid awkward conversations with managers, co-workers and direct reports. Just a single conversation failure can cost your organization as much as $7,500 and more than seven workdays, according to research by David Maxfield and Joseph Grenny, two of the authors of Crucial Accountability.
“It takes two people to have a conversation, although you wouldn’t know it when hearing how most challenging workplace conversations go.”
If your boss or colleague is avoiding you, critiquing your work, responding gruffly to your emails, or not responding to your communications at all, a difficult conversation may be looming. You can prepare in several ways:
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Choose the right location – Many workspaces today are open plan. Find a room with some degree of privacy. If possible, meet remote team members face-to-face if broaching a particularly difficult topic (for example, a dismissal).
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Prepare for the worst–case scenario – Your counterpart may or may not welcome your request for a talk. Irrespective of the response, remain calm. Focus on making him or her feel heard. Speak less and listen more. Ask clarifying questions, for instance, “Why do you feel this way?”
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Anticipate success – Although you’ve prepared for the worst, you should also maintain a positive mind-set and expect the best. Don’t continue to push your point if your opponent has already conceded the argument.
To navigate tricky conversations, adopt seven principles: confidence, clarity, compassion, curiosity, compromise, credibility and courage.
Difficult conversations can be excruciatingly awkward. Following a horrid conversation with her boss, author Roberta Chinsky Matuson developed a framework based on seven principles that embraces the transformative potential of difficult conversations.
First, to discuss a tough topic, you must corral your confidence.
Once you’ve mentally prepared yourself to have a difficult conversation, embrace the first effective communication principle: confidence. Don’t waste time playing out imaginary conversations in your mind; you can’t solve issues without confronting them in reality. Write down your grievance. If you think the matter warrants a dialogue, schedule a real-life conversation. Prepare by jotting down bullet points to clarify your points.
“How can you possibly resolve a misunderstanding or an issue you may be having with someone if they have no idea there’s a problem? You can’t!”
If you find yourself second-guessing your perspective, dial up your confidence by building inner trust. Don’t be fickle – make a decision, and stick to it. Reflect on your past successes, and tell yourself a positive affirmation – for example, “I’m smart and capable” – each day to foster self-trust and self-worth. Tackle the conversations you feel most confident about first, building up your “trust account” before attempting to navigate a particularly high-stakes conversation. To establish trust, always be honest, do a favor for someone else before asking for a favor in return, always follow through on your promises, publicly extend praise and support to others, and admit and apologize for your mistakes.
Second, embrace clarity by identifying your desired outcome before engaging in conversation.
Without clarity, the second principle of effective communication, your discussion will lead to a dead end. Thus, before you schedule a tough conversation, define the purpose of the discussion and your desired outcome. Perhaps you want a co-worker to behave differently, for example. What are you willing to do to get what you want? Determine whether the end justifies the means. For instance, if you simply want to express your negativity and anger toward someone, then you might want to reconsider having it out, which could jeopardize your relationship or career. If someone’s behavior has made you unhappy, make the conversation productive by clarifying steps or actions you hope they could take to change. Reflect on whether you’re willing to take any actions to achieve your desired results. Is there any way in which you’re contributing to the problem?
“How often have you walked away, after chatting with someone, with a confused look on your face? The meeting may have lasted 30 minutes, or even longer, yet you still had no idea what transpired.”
Once you’ve clarified your own desired course of action and goal, assess whether it aligns with the other party’s in any way; achieving your desired outcome will be easier if you’re both working toward a shared objective. When asking the other person for a conversation, employ a manner that is appropriate to your relationship. You’d approach a casual acquaintance differently than a person you’ve known for years, for instance. Be mindful of timing; make your request at a quiet moment and not when the other person feels rushed or exhausted. Consider the other person’s preferred communication norms: Would he or she rather engage in small talk before having a serious conversation or tackle the core issue quickly, for example? Assess the other person’s character, too, and prepare yourself for possible reactions – including denial, anger and tears. For instance, if you’re confronting a worker who eschews accountability, use documented evidence of the behavior to prove your point.
No matter how the conversation unfolds, remain calm. If tempers flare, don’t take any criticism personally. Be respectful, even if you fail to see eye to eye. Remember that conflict is often the first step to improvement. Make sure you leave no room for misinterpretation. Speak clearly and directly, and stick to the facts. Listen carefully to your counterparty, and don’t enter the conversation with preconceived assumptions about him or her. Maintain an open mind.
Third, demonstrate compassion by communicating from a place of empathy.
The third principle for navigating thorny conversations is compassion – that is, the capacity to feel or understand another person’s experience. Compassion and empathy are not innate but skills you can practice and develop. When you show empathy and compassion for others, you will find common ground, which provides a good basis for overcoming differences. If you show people that you care about them as human beings, not just workers, they will be more likely to engage in challenging conversations.
“Acknowledging that someone may be going through a difficult time demonstrates to the other person that you are not just concerned about work – you also care about them as a person.”
If you struggle to show empathy or to imagine yourself in another person’s situation, your ego-based need to be right is likely hindering you from a better understanding of his or her experiences. Alternatively, you may be clinging to a story that prevents you from feeling empathy. Perhaps you have been telling yourself that you’ve gone above and beyond to support someone, who has been too lazy or unwilling to perform
his or her role as you’d hoped. Let go of your biases and presume good intentions on behalf of the other person to ensure you don’t start conversations from a place of anger, resentment or defensiveness. Work on building rapport – for example, by discussing life outside of work to discover shared interests – to show you care. Be present and listen intently as the other person speaks. Be mindful of your nonverbal body language, even when you’re not speaking. If your gestures, posture, voice and facial expressions fail to align with your intended meaning, you’ll undermine your message. Remember, though, that some people may exploit individuals who exhibit too much empathy.
Fourth, be curious about others’ experiences, and ask the right questions.
Display curiosity, the fourth pillar of effective communication, to show you’re interested in others’ points of view, while building conversational momentum. Leaders often laud curiosity, yet, in practice, many stifle inquisitive minds. If you are dismissive when an employee asks a difficult question, you send a message that your workplace doesn’t value curiosity. When you fail to foster inquisitiveness in others, you erode their trust. Instead, lead by example: Nurture childlike curiosity within yourself, since curiosity drives innovation, and your employees will follow suit. Show others that you care about their perspective. Ask them open- ended questions, for example, “What’s your understanding of the problem?” or “Where do we go from here?”
“Curiosity allows us to think more deeply and explore options that we may not have seen had we accepted what was in front of us, without question.”
Be wary of asking questions in a way that others could interpret as judgmental, which can impede innovation and make workers fearful of taking risks. For example, if you interrogate an employee about why they’ve done something a particular way, using a sharp tone of voice, they’ll detect judgment. A judgmental person often disregards the perspectives of others, preferring instead to view the world through his or her own rigid lens. Try to display openness and curiosity, using words such as “that’s interesting” or “tell me more,” instead of “that’s wrong.” When you embrace curiosity, you approach problems more receptively, and you’ll be more open to options you may not have anticipated.
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The fifth principle for navigating sensitive, high-stakes conversations is compromise – that is, finding a resolution to a problem or a dispute whereby both sides make concessions. People who want to win at all costs, rather than resolve conflict, tend to engage in zero-sum, cutthroat negotiations. Compromising, by contrast, entails showing your counterpart respect and consideration, even if you don’t share his or her perspective.
“Disagreement isn’t necessarily a bad thing – that is, if we can disagree productively.”
To find common ground, try to understand why your dispute is occurring, which will help you better understand the importance of resolving your dispute. Do you both have a common goal, yet different ideas about how to reach it? Remember that there may be alternative ways to solve your problem, so remain open to other people’s ideas. Rather than manipulating others, focus instead on using your influence to guide them toward seeing the benefits of your perspective for themselves. People will be more likely to come around to your way of thinking if you make an effort to win their trust, if you haven’t overly damaged the relationship, and if your objectives are clear and specific.
Sixth, to build credibility, start by cultivating your self-belief.
To earn credibility, the sixth pillar of effective communication, build your reputation as a trustworthy colleague. Credibility is one of the most valuable forms of workplace capital, and establishing it often requires overcoming “imposter syndrome” – that is, self-doubt in your own talents, accomplishments and skills. For others to see you as credible and believe what you say, you need to demonstrate belief in yourself. Earning a degree in the field you’re interested in can help you build confidence and foster credibility, so invest time in formal education to overcome imposter syndrome. Read and research as much as you can about your field so you are well-versed in its various facets. Credibility doesn’t equate to perfection. While you earn credibility through producing consistently good work, you’ll seem more credible if you hold yourself accountable and admit your mistakes.
“No one is going to believe in you when you don’t believe in yourself.”
Your credibility hinges on others’ perceptions of you. If in doubt, ask your colleagues how credible you are. If people don’t confide in you or seek your advice, or if you get passed over for promotion, your credibility rating is likely low. Manage perceptions by reflecting on whether you’ve given anyone possible reasons to doubt your trustworthiness. If you communicate directly, people will be less likely to second-guess your authenticity. If you lack credibility, you can slowly change people’s perceptions through sustained discipline over months, or even a year, provided you didn’t engage in harmful behavior – for example, having sexual relationships with several employees or embezzling funds.
Earning credibility is more difficult for remote workers, since building rapport involves putting in face time. Thus, always turn your webcam on in meetings, and inject extra effort into staying in touch with your team. Strive to meet your deadlines, and inform your team straight away if you realize you will fall short. Always thank others for their help and contributions.
Seventh, summon courage to tackle the most difficult workplace conversations.
Overcoming your fear of difficult conversations requires a strong dose of the seventh principle: courage. You exhibit courage when you proceed with determination, despite being afraid to express your point of view. If you’re about to have a particularly high-stakes but necessary conversation, you may feel uncomfortable – and that’s OK. Remember that avoiding tough conversations doesn’t necessarily dodge discomfort. In fact, it can feel more excruciating in the long run to leave an issue unresolved. To marshal your courage, take small steps forward, such as scheduling a meeting to address the problematic issue. Setting the wheels in motion will help you to see what the next step ought to be, and you won’t feel so out of your depth. When you have courage, you “take your power back” – that is, you advocate for yourself and prevent others from manipulating you or taking advantage of you.
“How many times have you wanted to say something to someone but chose not to, and later wished you had stood up for yourself?”
By embracing the seven principles, you’ll see dramatic results in your ability to tackle high-stakes discussions. Reframe thorny conversations as opportunities to learn rather than convince, to take greater accountability, to overcome your assumptions and biases, to build connection rather than opposition, and to share your authentic truth.
